The Lord doesn’t want us to stay in winter

I wrote the below 9 months ago but accidentally happened upon it this morning. God knew I needed to hear it so I felt the Holy Spirit wanting me to share it on here as well. I pray it encourages just one soul.

Our emotions are more than often not trustworthy but God’s Word is always trustworthy. It never ceases to amaze me how the Bible is truly living and active. I could of read a verse hundreds of time and God speaks something brand new to my heart through His Word.

Now back to winter…

When my heart is heavy, I’m clinging to my Mighty Tower.

When the brokenness is too much for me to handle, I run to the arms who are always wide open waiting for me to fall into them.

Our God can handle your hurt. He can handle your pain. Take it to Him in prayer.

I combat the fears, the hurts, the aches with TRUTH.

I open the Word. I read it over and over until my heart believes it. I write it down for my self. But then for others too just so I can write it down again. I recall the Lord’s faithfulness in my own life and all he has done. Just as Rahab did with the spies in Joshua 2:9-11. She called to mind the faithfulness of the Lord, that then moved into her worshipping Him and telling of how he is the God in the heavens above and the earth below.

I will show boundless mercy as Jesus did to the adulterous woman in John 8 because Jesus Christ essentially defended a woman known for her immoral sexual behavior and showed her overwhelming grace and mercy in front of religious bigots. Who am I not to be ready to show this boundless grace to everyone in my life in every circumstance. If the Lord can forgive her- let’s be real if the Lord can forgive ME for all of my sin I can freely and lavishly live a life forgiving others and walking in that joyful freedom Jesus has given me.

Being loved by the Father so deeply is what changed everything. It’s what makes all the difference. Allowing myself to be loved by the Lord. The Creator of the Universe. Getting out of the way so that I can rest in His hands and He can be my God. He is the only one who can satisfy my ache. He is the only one who can restore my joy. And I know he will do it. He is fighting for me. John Piper says that we can only see 3 of the 10000 things God is doing right now. But He’s working and I will trust His plan over mine. I will depend fully on His will and His way. Isaiah 55:9-10 I’ll release the control that’s already His and I’ll worship Him in all His glory and splendors

The Lord has taught me that sometimes He does His best work in the winter. I am called to lean into HIM. Trust HIS way. Meditate on His Word. I am preaching this to myself everyday. Multiple times a day actually. And that’s okay because the more I see my need for Jesus the more I have the beautiful privilege of getting to know Jesus more intimately.

“Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭29:2‬ ‭

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”
‭‭Zephaniah‬ ‭3:17‬ ‭

Hopping out of winter back into fall…

The bitterness and hurt have a way of flaring back up and showing their ugly head. What to do when this happens? Head straight to the Author of Life and prayer! Satan wants to cause us to be distracted with anything so that we’re not focused on furthering God’s Kingdom. Let’s make war together to not allow that to happen. Below are some verses that have encouraged my heart so deeply.

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:1-3‬ ‭

I am so thankful for precious friends to study, memorize, and pray the Word of God over each other. We petition the Lord to set our minds on Him and not the ways of this world.

““Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬ ‭

The Lord doesn’t want us to stay in winter. He wants us to focus our attention on Him. To seek Him. To let Him carry us through it all. Not that our circumstances have necessarily changed but our worship has. Our hearts are set on worshiping only Him, not others opinions of us.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:2‬ ‭

The more broken we see our world and our hearts the more beautiful we see our sweet Savior and can run into His loving arms.

“Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Selah Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭84:3-7‬ ‭

We might go through the valley of Baca but we do not sit in the valley of Baca. We move to place of springs. We rejoice in our Savior. We live for our Savior. We have overwhelming joy because He is more than enough!

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:16-18‬ ‭l

the laundry fairy

the laundry fairy

If you meet her let me know because as far as I know the only laundry fairy in my house is me. I am sure I am not the only momma who feels this way. This use to drive me nuts. I would try to stay so on top of it but I was constantly hitting the start button on the washing machine. But then a couple months ago my perspective on the never ending starting of the laundry, moving it to the dryer, folding it and then putting it all up changed. It’s been a slow change but isn’t that how it goes. 

My view started to shift because I started thinking about when Taylor, Ellie, Pierce or I would of wore the outfit or used the item I was washing. I started to be grateful for the sweet memories and then it grew into this deep appreciation for having laundry that never ends because it means there is an endless amount of sweet memories and time spent together.

Now this doesn’t mean that my laundry is really ever caught up but it does mean that when I do it most of the time I am just beyond thankful that God gave me the privilege and responsibility to take care of my babies and Tay. 

My broken gratefulness for this mundane task and my second* least favorite thing to do around the house has turned into some of the sweetest times of worship. Though it started with and still continues with conviction and repentance it’s been a place where I pray the Lord intervenes and gives me the energy to take care of my family. Almost everyday I pray God would sustain me and give me energy to do whatever I need to do to take care of my family that day… sometimes that means praying that he will turn me into the energize bunny laundry fairy who needs to put up three weeks worth of clean laundry. Sometimes I get it all up, most the time I don’t. And what I’ve realized is that Ellie and Pierce don’t care that I grab their pajamas from a clean pile of laundry and thankfully Taylor doesn’t either. They do care however that my time is spent with my eyes locked on them and not my phone, that my heart is focused on soaking up every moment with them because “they’ll be graduating before you know it”.

These momentary mundane tasks have become worship to me more than ever in the last couple weeks because I am more than ever burdened for our broken world that needs Jesus and also more appreciative than ever for the greatest privilege in the world to raise up God-fearing, Jesus loving babies that make an impact for His Kingdom.

Over the past seven months there has been so much for my heart to process and work through. Alot of pride stripped but a lot of rebuilding my image and identity into my Creator and Redeemer. It’s been a refining time but a sweet time where I have learned so much. One of my favorite things that I have learned is that though no one knows all the work and prayer and lack of sleep I have put in to taking care of my family with all my heart for His glory there is one Person who does. One Person who sees it all and accepts it as my worship. Remembering and recalling to mind that I live for an audience of One has been the sweetest escape into my Savior’s arms. A life not dependent on anyones view of me or approval (not even precious Tays), but resting in His sovereign arms and identity as His beloved daughter – not based on anything I could bring to the table but fully on Him and His work.

I more than ever see my own brokenness and my own sin, but in that I see the sweetness of my Savior more than ever. The beauty in the broken is that my Savior cares about it all, He sees me and He holds me. He is renewing my strength in Him moment by moment as I continue to surrender to His loving embrace and remember my inadequacy but His competency. 

On that note I better hop off my laptop and move the clothes out of the dryer and get the ones in the wash moved over before the laundry fairy drifts off to sleep. 🙂 Below are some verses that the Lord has really been speaking to my heart with lately. If you have a prayer requests or need to talk to anyone please let me know!

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

“even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear;  I will carry and will save.” Isaiah 46:4

“O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth. You have set your glory above the heavens. Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas. O Lord, our Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth!” Psalm 8

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.” Romans 8:1-8

*My absolute least favorite house task is cleaning the shower.. thankfully my sweet hubs handles that one for me 🙂

reclaimed

Are you tired?

Sick of trying to earn others’ approval?

Maybe even worn out from trying to earn God’s approval?

Over never feeling enough?

Burnt out on religion?

Let’s reclaim our identity together.

The good good news of the beautiful gospel is that the same Jesus that saved our souls from eternal damnation (that we rightly deserve) is the same Jesus that saves us from our sinful desires and the brokenness of this world every single day.

We have to learn to not move beyond the gospel. I’m learning. Slowly. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Two steps forward. One step back with confession and petitioning the Lord to stay with me and help me lean into His beauty more.

Once we’ve moved past the gospel we’ve lost the gospel all together. Before you keep going and think you don’t do this just pause for a second and think about it because we’re all guilty of it really. It’s sadly impossible not to be in our culture. But it’s worth fighting against because it’s so sweet to sit in and bask in Jesus’ arms.

We live in such a performance based and busy culture that it’s easy to get swept into this spiral.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I let the not so important voices in my life be elevated to a much higher place than they should be. How often do we try to earn others’ love? I know I have. And it’s wore me out. It’s exhausting.

The sweet precious good good news is that we don’t have to do anything to earn our sweet Savior’s love. He says he wants us to rest. Not to preform or achieve or even make an impact for Him. He just wants you to rest in Him. I’m learning that’s where this sweet union with Christ and abiding begins. We can’t abide or even feel God’s presence when we’re moving at such a fast pace. Some of the devil’s best work is done in the busyness. Sin and busyness have the same effect- forgetting about our sweet Jesus.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 11 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.””

Gentle and lowly. What does that even mean in a world that worships perception and of showing the best and hiding the rest?

I’m not positive but I’m seeking the small. Seeking the slow. Seeking Jesus in it all.

It’s a journey. Let’s do this together. Let’s go against the grain of running from one event to the next and let’s run into our Savior’s love.

He is steadfast. His mercies are there. Every morning. Everyday. Even when we can’t see him or don’t understand. He is always enough. Trust Him. Whatever season you’re sitting in right now just know the Lord is with you and He has a purpose for your pain. He is working out your redemption story. Let Him be your greatest love and Redeemer. Lean into Him. Set your gaze on eternal matters and you can’t help but worship.

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” “they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness..” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:21-26

This might take some time but let’s work through all this together. I welcome you if you’re tired, hurt, sad, feeling not enough to come with me on the journey. Let’s reclaim our identity in the gospel together. What does the gospel mean for our everyday moments of life? How is Jesus and the beauty of life all around me? If I only had eyes to see it. Praying and asking the Lord to give me, to give us, eyes to see Him in every moment of our day.

From a woman who wishes with everything in her that her baby was still here on this earth…

Abortion is murder. I have been so distraught over this I’ve struggled focusing on anything else. My heart is broken. This has always been something that has brought me to tears and literally made my heart physically ache.

But now in particular the choice to kill your alive baby that is inside of you breaks me more than ever. I would give just about anything to still have my sweet sweet precious baby in me. I’d be 18 weeks now. We would have just found out the gender. We would be planning his or her nursery. We would have chosen a name. We’d be buying baby way too much clothes that he or she doesn’t need. We’d be anticipating and thrilled for June 26 to get here. And above all we’d have our sweet baby ALIVE in my belly. It’s so hard to think about all of this. I know that my baby we lost is safe in the Presence of Jesus and that’s the only thing that has gotten me through the last couple months. 

BUT to think that people would take their own child’s life when I would give anything to have my baby back it has wrecked me. And I know I am not alone in this. There are so many people who have lost their babies or are struggling to conceive while others are literally murdering the human they created. I don’t know what to do but to beg people to stop. Don’t do it. There are so many other options. You can give your baby up as soon as he or she is born and there are countless families who can’t conceive on their own and would love your baby well.

I saw a post this morning that said it is illegal to kill a bald eagle’s egg that hasn’t hatched but it is not illegal to kill an unborn HUMAN. Yall, it really just isn’t okay. We are more concerned in this country about an animal life than human life. It’s crazy. 

Life begins at the moment of conception. The heart start beating not soon after. These are literally human beings that our country is celebrating their murder. Truly celebrating proudly this horrid choice. It is truly the modern day holocaust. It’s just not okay. It’s awful. It’s sin. It’s murder. And it has got to stop. 

If you have chosen this choice and regret it God has forgiveness for you. I encourage you to read and listen to what is on this link below. There is grace and reconciliation offered through Jesus Christ. The gospel rescues us and bring freedom through confession.

 https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/lecrae-confesses-abortion-invites-others-into-the-light

As Lecrae says above he chose his life over his child’s life. That is what abortion is. It is one of the most selfish decision that you could ever make. If you don’t want the child, give him or her up for adoption. Give me your baby. There are so many people who will take them in and treat them as their own and love them so well. 

At 8 weeks a HUMAN BABY can suck their thumbs, smile, and all organs are working. The one that kills me the most is that they recoil from pain which means when they kill this child they experience the pain. 

After 21 weeks a baby can live with help in many cases. Most abortions happen after 21 weeks. When we look at the science behind this it proves that the baby is alive. When you look at scripture it assures us more than anything that at the moment of conception this baby is a soul. 

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:14-16

Murder for the sake of your convince is not worth your child’s life. This world is broken. We need Jesus so bad. A fetus is a soul. And a fetus should have the same rights as all souls. Let’s speak up. Let’s talk about this. The baby has his or her own DNA. The baby has his or her own functioning brain and heart. This baby has his or her own dreams.

No one has the right to do whatever they want to their own body. If this were the case there would be no laws. There are laws that keep us from prostitution, to go the right speed limit, not to murder, not to kill bald eagle eggs….. etc. The sanctity of life just doesn’t make the bar apparently.  

These babies need us to speak up. To make war against this modern day genocide that must end.  From a woman who wishes with everything in her that her baby was still here on this earth, was still alive inside of her please look at the other options if you don’t feel ready to be a parent. I beg you please please please. YOUR CHILD deserves life. Your child deserves to be able to make their own choices and live their life. Don’t take this from them.

 

 

If you feel lead to act, sign this petition to repeal New York’s “Reproductive Health Act.”

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/petition-repeal-new-yorks-reproductive-health-act-bill-allows-legal-murder-children-birth

 

 

I just want my baby.

This was written yesterday.

 

We lost our baby today. It’s so awful. My heart has never known a pain so intense. I saw him or her. My baby. Forever this baby will be my baby. All I can keep thinking is that I want my baby. I want my baby. I want this baby. I want this baby to still be growing in me. I want my baby to be here June 26th. I want to watch this baby grow up.  I know, God willing, we will have another baby. But I want this baby. My baby. Because this baby will be ours always and forever. Nothing will change that. 

The pain is indescribable. It hurts so much. But knowing that my baby is with Jesus and that I will see him or her when I get to heaven is the only thing that has gotten me through the day. And I know it’s the only thing that will continue to get me through. As I was leaving the hospital this morning, I Can Only Imagine came on the radio. That was no accident. As I was crying harder than I’ve ever cried. Hurting more than I’ve ever hurt, I knew that it was by God’s all sufficient and mighty sovereign hand that He put this song on the radio. I just kept thinking about how this baby never has to have any of the pain of this fallen world but is literally in the presence of Jesus right now. Literally right now is experiencing every single thing this song talks about. 

My sweet baby is walking side by side with Jesus,

face to face- I imagine them holding hands and walking together,

surrounded by His glory, 

possibly dancing for Jesus or maybe awestruck by His presence. 

Baby could be on his or her knees in awe of Him or praising him singing an endless hallelujah. 

I can only imagine of this day one day and oh my heart yearns more than ever for it, but my sweet baby has fully and completely experienced the greatest unexplainable joy that can ever be experienced standing in the presence of Jesus. He is true joy. This world’s joys are fleeting and pointless. When the worse happens, having all the materialist things in the world will not get you through. Only Jesus will. 

Someone asked if I’m going to want people to know (and I totally respect that everyone is different- for some, this is way too difficult to speak about), but of course I want people to know about my other child. My baby is apart of me. My baby is apart of our family forever. He or she may not be present physically on this earth, but this baby made his or her mark on our hearts forever. I want to honor this baby. I want to remember this baby. I will continue to talk about this baby forever. Even when it’s hard and awkward because he or she was my baby and will always be my baby. Though this precious life was much shorter than we wanted, I know that this baby’s life will go on to make an impact for the Kingdom for all of eternity. That is my prayer. 

We are no longer a family of three. We are a family of four. One of us is just already fully and completely in the presence of Jesus. Oh that brings joy to my weary weary heart but the ache of wanting my baby we’ll never leave. And I never want it to leave because that’s  my baby and always will be. 

Words could never describe just how unbelievably thankful I am that Lord allowed me to have been this baby’s momma for the 6.5 weeks that I got to be. I felt connected to this baby. I had already gotten baby sum 2.0 (which is what we’ve called this angel since we found out we were pregnant on our 11th dating anniversary…. cheesy yeah but whatever it meant so much to me and Tay) a prayer bible for us to give to him or her one day full of prayers for him or her. But I will still write in his or her prayer bible that we got our sweet baby. I will continues to pray that this precious life continues to just flood Jesus with anyone who hears of his or her life. 

My sister sent me these quotes and they bring me great comfort. I pray they do you as well if you’ve walked this road before.

“We sometimes feel that a life which was so brief was in vain, and that God has mocked us by giving us the little one and then by taking it away immediately. The child had no opportunity to perform a work, nor was there any time given to develop character. Let us remember, first of all, that the little one had an eternal spirit, and that it has gone into the presence of God where there will be an eternity to perform works and develop character. . . A brief life is not an incomplete life.” – J. Vernon McGee

“Should it not thrill any mother to know that the darling treasure taken from her bosom as a tiny infant will be seen again, not as an unopened bud, but as a full-bloomed rose in the garden of paradise? What a reunion that will be!” -J. Sidlow Baxter

“I remember the story of a distraught father who was deeply grieved by the death of his son. He went to see his pastor, and in his bewildered anger he asked, “Where was God when my son died?” The pastor replied with a calm spirit, “The same place He was when His Son died.”

So many emotions have and I know will continue to flood my heart. Hurt, confusion, anger, unreal sadness, but thankfulness and joy are still there. They’re anchored in my hope that I know my baby is with Jesus and I know I will cuddle and kiss and love all over my baby one day. But until then I’ll live to make much of our Savior. I will honor my baby with special items to remember him or her. 

I am so incredibly thankful for legit an army of people who have showered us with so much love today. Losing your baby is way way way more common than we will ever even be able to know statistically. As I’ve reached out for prayer from dear friends in my life, most of them have experienced this. Though it doesn’t make the pain of losing your child any lighter because nothing can it is good to know you’re not alone. There are many who have walked this road before and have incredible advice and love. One told me it’s a sisterhood you never want to join. So true. But here I am. Never thought it would happen to those I love. Really never thought it happened to me. But I’m thankful to be this baby’s momma. I’m thankful for his or her life. 

Oh my gracious. Words they’re just not enough to explain how unbelievably amazing my husband is. It all just hurts so much, but to see just how much he loved this baby too….. oh my goodness… he was and still is the best daddy to this baby. Oh what a gift he is. Such a gift. I am so undeserved of his deep love and patience. He had been waiting on me hand and foot while I had been exhausted these past view weeks. He had already been doting over this baby like he always does to me and El girl.

The lies from the devil I will fight with truth because there is nothing I did that could of prevented this from happening. Though I have questioned every single moment of this pregnancy, I know that this baby is the Lords. This baby was the Lords before he or she was mine and Taylor’s. God’s plans aren’t always ours. We cannot see all that is going on. I’m keeping my eyes on Him. Trusting He will use this precious, precious life to further His Kingdom and for His glory. And you better believe I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that happens! But the true work is up to Him. His ways are not always our ways. They’re higher than my ways. Though I don’t understand. Though I hurt, I will praise Him still. My cousin sent me this song because it’s been her battle cry and it’s mine now too. Please feel free to make it yours as well. 

Yes I will by Vertical Worship…

I count on one thing. The same God that never fails. Will not fail me now. You won’t fail me now.

In the waiting. The same God who’s never late is working all things out. You’re working all things out

Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley. Yes I will, bless Your name. Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy. All my days, oh yes I will.

These verses my momma sent have helped my heart. My greatest prayer is that this encourages or helps just one person who is fighting this unspoken battle that so many are walking. 

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:1, 2, 5-8

Haven’t listened to it yet but a trusted friend who has been through this three times told me it’s a must listen to.

https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/family-talk/listen/miscarriage-grieving-the-loss-i-184871.html

It doesn’t matter how far along you were or how old your baby is, a loss of a child is a loss. Respect that. There is no right thing to say. Just pray. Please pray for us. It just sucks so much. Pray for people who have gone through. Show them extra amounts of love with small gestures. Our small army has felt like this biggest army overwhelming us with so much love. Definitely feeling His love through my peoples. Thank you to all of you. 

Focusing my attention and my heart more than ever on Jesus. He is my strength. Trusting Him. Clinging to Him. Telling him exactly how I feel. He can handle the pain. Put your hurt on him. He understands. As hard as it is to believe that someone could love your baby more than you, He really does.

fighting for joy today?

Fighting for joy today?

 

Me too. My heart is so heavy.. sad but worshipful. A broken hallelujah is all I have to give. There’s been a lot going on lately and God has been teaching me so so much.  I have been wanting to sit down and write about it but haven’t been able to get myself to do it. I’ve said it’s because I haven’t had time but that’s not why. That’s just been an excuse. You make time for what is important. It’s because its too hard. It’s good but it’s hard to think about it all. I’m convicted. I’m hurting. Life been alot lately. I dont even want to go into the detail but feel like I should somewhat.

 

Right now I am trying my hardest to write it all out while I can with Never Alone by Tori Kelly on repeat. I’m struggling with a broken hallaleujah but not like I had been struggling. Since I went back to work after I had Ellie I have been trying to figure out this balancing thing out and it has been really hard for me. I had fell so in love and experienced a bond that I never knew that everything failed in comparison to it. Things I use to love I struggled loving. I knew I did I just couldn’t figure out this balancing act. I had been in this “funk”, “valley”, “desert” for a while. I had felt the Lord pulling me out of it over the last couple months and then something that was awful but could of been much much worse happened and God used it to snap me completely out of this weird place I was in. God gave me new lens to see everything. A completely new beautiful perspective on life, convicted me about a lot, and taught me so much. After this event happened for the next couple weeks many difficult things have been continuing to happen in my family and with my friends. From multiple losses to people being in the hospital to making some really hard personal decisions; through it God has taught me so much and has restored my joy in Him – even on the hard days like today.

 

Today’s one of those days. I’m fighting for joy because my joy isn’t in my circumstances, they are in my Savior. He is constant. He is good. He is my purpose. I am fighting for my joy to stay in Him and to remind myself of all I have learned through all of this in the hard days so today I am going to write out all I have learned because I need to be reminded. I need to preach truth to my heavy heavy heart while it seems that these tears won’t stop streaming down my face as I am trying to write this.

 

 1. The most important thing that I learned is that literally every single breath is such an undeserved privilege and gift from God. With my baby being so sick for the last month it been real hard. She had a febrile seizure over labor day weekend and stopped breathing after it. I thought she was gone. I had no idea what to do but on the ground on the side of the road I just started breathing in her mouth while Taylor called 911 till she started breathing again. Thank God she started breathing again. It was the worse thing I have ever experienced in my life. The worse. I had no idea what to do but God overwhelmed me with this eerie peace and I truly believe He took over me completely to have me do what might of saved by baby’s life. Taylor and I had been memorizing Philippians 4:6-7 the week before. I had no idea in the moment but now looking back I can see that that verse is what He did in that moment. He overwhelmed my mind and my heart so I could think logically and do what I needed to do. It was the most supernaturally experience I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t even CPR certified then (am now) so I legit had no clue what to do. After taking the class, it is crazy that I did exactly what I was suppose to do… well really it’s not crazy… it’s God. That’s what He does.

 

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

 

“For the Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.” Job 33:4

“Then the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.”

Genesis 2:7

“This is what God the LORD says– the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out, who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it:” Isaiah 42:5

 

There are these and so many more verses in the Bible that say it but how often had I just passed over them not appreciating them. I couldn’t. I didn’t get it. Though I lost my uncle and my granddad at a young age and have always said I didn’t struggle taking people for granted but idolizing them.. I still did. Even my own breath I had been taking for granted .

 

Breathe right now. Like legit stop reading and do it.

 

It’s a gift. We don’t deserve even one breath that we take. We are so  undeserved of everything but eternal punishment for all of our sins. But He gives us so much. He gives us so many earthly blessings but even more than that He gives us LIFE in Him. He has gifted us with the gift of salvation for those who believe. So undeserved. It’s hard to get out what all is going on in my heart right now because I want to explain it but unless you have experienced tragedy or almost experienced it I don’t know if you can fully grasp it because it’s just so much.

 

I want to embrace every day and make the most of each one God gives me. I want to make an impact for His Kingdom with my eyes on Him, not on my circumstances. Even on the hard days like today.

 

2.  Having best friends to encourage you is a game changer. I am beyond thankful for friends who I can be vulnerable and real with. They have spoken such comforting words that I’ve needed. Most recently a couple of them reminded me that sometimes our joy in Christ isn’t us smiling ear to ear but it’s leaning on Him in the hard times and it’s the quiet inner peace in my mind and heart that reminds my heart of His truths when it just seems like it’s bad news after bad news after bad news. Having joy in Jesus doesn’t mean that you can’t be sad or overwhelmed, but that in the sadness you are in a “sweet terrible place of surrender because there’s nothing YOU can do.” He has got it. He is in control and He is good always. He is faithful. Thank you to all my people who have been my people and have listened to me and loved me and my family so well.

 

3. I am never in control even when I think I am. I thought my idol was my attitude but as I was reading chapter one in  “Idols of the Heart” by Elyse Fitzpatrick in the Hobby Lobby parking lot.. Lol… God revealed to me that the problem behind the actual sin of getting upset about small temporary silly things was me wanting control. I want everything to go how I want it to go. I want everyone to be healthy and happy. I want to fix everything for everyone. I want to change people’s hearts. I want to change my own heart. I want to be in control of everyone’s opinion of me. I want everyone’s approval and love when I know there’s only One’s approval and love that I need and already have. And HE is in control. He is God and I am not. And Praise God for that! Though I don’t understand all His ways, I trust Him. I will worship Him still. Thank God that He is in control and I am not. There are many different things in my life that I look back on and I am unbelievably thankful I didn’t get what I wanted and what I prayed for because God’s plan was so much more beautiful than mine. His ways are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). He is sovereign. I want to not just know He is sovereign but to truly rest in His sovereignty (Job 42:2). To give up the control that I never had. Life is way too short to get upset about small things. Way too short. It could be taken away in a moment so we have to fight to enjoy and make the most of every single moment we are given. Even when your day, your week, your month, your year, maybe even your life isn’t going how you want it to, embrace it. With your eyes fixed on Jesus, clinging to Jesus. God promises that He is using all things for our good and for His glory for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Worship Him through it all.

 

4. Sometimes someone might just need your unconditional love. Someone I had been trying to share Jesus with for over four years took their own life recently. I still just don’t even feel like it actually happened. I’ll find myself going to pray for Moriah and then I’m reminded there’s no reason to now. She is either in heaven or hell already. Ughhhh my heart just hopes with everything in me that when I get to heaven I will be so surprised when I see her face there. No matter how weird or uncomfortable someone is or makes you feel.. Don’t stop loving them. Don’t stop sharing Jesus with them. Everyone needs Jesus. And we are ALL messed up sinners. No one is worse than the other. The playing field is leveled. Were all a bunch of hot messes that need God’s grace.  So let’s make it our effort to love other so so well with everything in us.

 

5. Keep fighting to get out of the desert. Don’t give up. God will eventually get you out of it. You cannot get yourself out of it. Fight. Fight by spending time reading the Word even when you don’t want to. Put that worship song on when you’re upset. Pray to Him when you have no joy. Keep fighting. It’s worth it because He is worth it. You have a purpose and a reason you are here to further His Kingdom. He has numbered your days and your breaths and every single one of them has a purpose. No one has the world that you have. God has put there to share Jesus with them. You are not responsible to change their heart. You can’t do that. Only God can, but be an example and love others and God like crazy. It might take time but He will get you out of the valley you’re in. He promises that he will draws near to those who draw near to him (James 4:8). If your heart isn’t believing the truths you know in your mind just keep fighting. I was there. My heart was so hard. I didn’t even understand what was going on. God eventually pulled me out of it. I didn’t do it on my own. I could never do it on my own. He did it and He deserves all the glory and all the praise (Psalm 115:1).  We are in a battle every single day. We have to fight against the true and only enemy. Fight with Truth. Scripture is our weapon. Prayer is our weapon. And praise Jesus we already have the victory through Him!

 

The Lord is holding me through the mountains and He is holding me through the valleys. When I can’t even deal with the fact that the Lord helped my Chuck Chuck (my grand-dad) beat cancer over this past year and now all these other complications are happening and he is back in the hospital again and again, I will trust Him. I will pray like crazy. God is my anchor. Only His love can fill up my cup. He is always faithful. His words are always true. I will cling to His Words tighter than ever.

 

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

 

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2

 

I want to close by asking for prayer. Please pray for my Chuck Chuck to get better. Please also pray for my Ellie girl’s health. After the febrile seizure because of a sinus infection then it’s been an ear infection and now its Hand Foot Mouth. Were about to get tubes once her HFM clears up. Baby girl just seem to not be able to catch a break, but she’s here. Like I kept telling her in the ambulance on the way to the hospital… you’re here… baby girl you’re here. As I told Ellie and as I am telling myself.. I am telling you as well. Whoever you are, wherever you are reading this I want to tell you that YOU ARE HERE. And you are here on this Earth for a purpose. Don’t waste your time. In the hurt and the pain, turn to Jesus. In the good times, turn to Jesus. If you need help, if you need prayer ask for it. Do not isolate yourself. We are in this battle together as believers. We need each other. If you need prayer or need someone to talk to please let me know. I am here for you.

 

I had told some friends I was going to call my next blog post “judge me in my mini-van…” because I NEVER thought I would EVER drive a minivan…. but  through the Lord giving me a new perspective on everything I ended up getting a minivan. I use to say I will NEVER get a mini-van and hate to admit I would hard core judge people for having them but after everything happened with ellie and we were looking for a car with air vents in the back for her to keep her cool the minivan was truly the best car for our family. So I had to ask myself why do i judge people for having them? Because they’re a parent… well ya know I am a parent. And I am so proud and thankful to a parent so feel free to judge me in my minivan because it is the best car ever. Legit the doors open by themselves… it has everything I wanted in a car and the main reason I didn’t want them is because of other’s opinion… when it was the best car for my family for multiple multiple reasons.. I realized it wasn’t about me. I’m done worrying about others’ opinion of me. I live not even for the approval of One but under the approval of the only One who matters. I have never felt more cool then when I was driving my minivan wearing my leggings and my I’m A Cool Mom shirt while I drank my Vanilla Iced Latte while my baby girl watches Mickey Mouse with the air blowing own her… hahaha Not because it’s actually cool in the world’s eyes…. But because it is the coolest thing in the world for me to live my purpose out that God has gifted me with to be her momma. Being a little silly here but with all the heavy things going on in my heart why not have a little laugh? All I know is never say never to the mini-van. It has made my life so much more simple. I went from judging the minivan drivers to being so unbelievably thankful for mine.

 

I feel so undeserved of everything in my life. I am at a place where I am seeing things as never before. God is so good. He deserves the praise always and forever. Finally got everything out that has been weighing on my heart so heavy. If you have made it to this paragraph you must have alot of patience and really love me, so thank you and I love you too.

 

XOXO

Kase

 

She Reads Truth

Ever struggle finding time or a plan of how to study the Bible?

I know I do but shereadstruth.com has helped me so so much. You can do it on their app, order a study book, or do it for free on their website. The study we are currently doing as a community of women striving to study to know our Father more and more daily is about the Names of God. It has been my most favorite study we’ve ever done. This is what I’ve been doing with the current study this time and it has really helped me internalize what we’re learning. Hope this encourages someone who wants to get in the Word but not sure how!! Much love!! XOXO 💛

 

just a real quick thought

“Our bad brokenness is made whole by His good brokenness.” -Ann Voscamp 

Transparency. Vulnerability. Authenticity. Isn’t this what we are called to as believers? So often especially in the south we all want to act like we got it all together. Why do we do this?!? God calls us to do the complete opposite! And let’s be honest.. who does have it all together? If you think you do let me assure you that that’s that is just the deceiver making you believe that. We are all broken people because we live in a broken world. But praise God because He came and died for our brokenness. When we embrace the truth of the true state of our hearts, then and only then can we experience the purest joy and understand our purpose in life. Thank you Jesus!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽 

my prayer this morning

Cute pic for insta?!? Oh my… so much more than that. In my hot mess of a heart this morning… Jesus thank you for being enough for me. You’re always more than enough.

 

Why do I get caught in the distractions and frustrations of this world?!?

You tell me to seek the things that are above and to set my heart on eternal matters.

I try and then I get distracted. God, keep my focus on You. Help me live in You and for You. Make my desires Your desires.

Help me live under Your approval and not for the approval of man. In all I do let it be to further Your Kingdom.

Let sharing Jesus be my highest goal above all else. You’re all that matters. Thank you for always showing me grace. Help me show that grace to others.

Help me not get distracted with the frustrations of this world but have my mind on what truly matters. Let sacrifice and service be my heartbeat.

Forgive me for the many times my own personal desires are at the front of my mind. Enable me to live in confidence in who I am IN YOU. Because of YOU! Because of what You did for us! Though we don’t deserve your love and approval, you lavish it upon us.

If you’re feeling far from God today or like you are too far to come back to Him, let me speak some truth to you that He has encouraged my heart with this morning YOU CANNOT OUT SIN HIS GRACE. Run back to Him. I beg you. He restores Your soul. He gives you purpose. He gives you joy unexplainable.

If you want to talk about this or have something you’re struggling with and need prayer over  please message me. I love y’all. XOXO

 

Surrender…

 

Who doesn’t like to be in control? Or rather should I say who doesn’t like to feel like they’re in control?

I love feeling like I’m in control… like I’ve got a handle on all things. Everything’s in its place. Everyone is in there place. Everything is as I think it should be. But the reality is that even when I feel like I’m in control, the truth is I never am. There’s only One who is in control and nothing or no one could ever change that.

I like to pick a word of the day and I’ll write it on my wrist… well the current word written on my wrist has been written there for the past two weeks. I keep hearing it in songs and seeing it all over the place.

I think that God’s trying to teach me something…

Surrender.

This is something I have to be in a constant state of doing. It’s not something I can do just once or even just once a day. It’s a moment by moment deliberate choice I have to make.

Surrender to God’s will… to His plan… to His ways. To keep my eyes focused on eternal matters. Things of true importance. The issues and concerns my thoughts should be consumed with…. not the fleshly, worldly thoughts. We’re all guilty of it because we’re all sinners.

How easy it is for us to get distracted. I recently learned that I’m praying a swallow. Recently at my bible study we were studying Psalm 84 and studying about how God takes care and loves even the swallows. The interesting thing about swallows is they are very distracted… each and everyone of them have ADD… there an all over the place kind of birds. I don’t know about you but that is me! 💯 percent me.

I can’t keep focused half the time. My brains thinking about half a million things at once. I’ll be having a conversation while thinking about what I’m going to eat for dinner and what all I need to do and half a trillion other things. I can try to blame it on “mom brain” all I want, but that fact is I’ve just always been a swallow. I’m all over the place. But the good news is God loves us too. He cares for my speratic all over the place self. He doesn’t just care for me either. Y’all he loves me so deeply. He loves you so deeply. He loves us with an everlasting, unwavering kind of love. It’s a love we can’t even fathom. Our finite brains can’t even get near to comprehending the love God has for His children.

I have to remind myself of this constantly. I have to preach the gospel to myself not just everyday but each moment of everyday. My heart has to stay in a constant state of surrender. I have a million different practical ways I do this… I have to deliberately work on this and still do but eventually these things I practice just become apart of my routine. Some days I do better than others. I write all over my hands… 🙈🙈 some people tell me I’m going to get ink poison.. hopefully not… guess we will see 😝 I write the first letter of each word on my hand of whatever verse I’m trying to memorize. Like I said earlier I also write a word of the day or week or month on the inside portion of my wrist. It’s been funny to see how these have been a really great witnessing tool. I have to constantly be listening to praise music, a sermon or podcast, or be praying. It’s very helpful to have family and friends who are encouraging you and speaking truth into you daily.

I love one of the last lyrics in the song “So Will I.” It says “If you gladly chose surrender so will I.” If Jesus Christ the Savior, King, and Lord of the world would choose to surrender everything for us how could we not choose to surrender everything everyday so that others could come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior as well. Living to serve and love others doesn’t come natural. I have to remind myself of the mercy and grace God has and is and will show me and that in turn fuels me to show that mercy and grace to others. To live for Christ is to truly live. My prayer multiple times a day… “Lord, help me” and He does. There’s grace on the good days and the bad days. Thank you Jesus. 💛💛