This was written yesterday.
We lost our baby today. It’s so awful. My heart has never known a pain so intense. I saw him or her. My baby. Forever this baby will be my baby. All I can keep thinking is that I want my baby. I want my baby. I want this baby. I want this baby to still be growing in me. I want my baby to be here June 26th. I want to watch this baby grow up. I know, God willing, we will have another baby. But I want this baby. My baby. Because this baby will be ours always and forever. Nothing will change that.
The pain is indescribable. It hurts so much. But knowing that my baby is with Jesus and that I will see him or her when I get to heaven is the only thing that has gotten me through the day. And I know it’s the only thing that will continue to get me through. As I was leaving the hospital this morning, I Can Only Imagine came on the radio. That was no accident. As I was crying harder than I’ve ever cried. Hurting more than I’ve ever hurt, I knew that it was by God’s all sufficient and mighty sovereign hand that He put this song on the radio. I just kept thinking about how this baby never has to have any of the pain of this fallen world but is literally in the presence of Jesus right now. Literally right now is experiencing every single thing this song talks about.
My sweet baby is walking side by side with Jesus,
face to face- I imagine them holding hands and walking together,
surrounded by His glory,
possibly dancing for Jesus or maybe awestruck by His presence.
Baby could be on his or her knees in awe of Him or praising him singing an endless hallelujah.
I can only imagine of this day one day and oh my heart yearns more than ever for it, but my sweet baby has fully and completely experienced the greatest unexplainable joy that can ever be experienced standing in the presence of Jesus. He is true joy. This world’s joys are fleeting and pointless. When the worse happens, having all the materialist things in the world will not get you through. Only Jesus will.
Someone asked if I’m going to want people to know (and I totally respect that everyone is different- for some, this is way too difficult to speak about), but of course I want people to know about my other child. My baby is apart of me. My baby is apart of our family forever. He or she may not be present physically on this earth, but this baby made his or her mark on our hearts forever. I want to honor this baby. I want to remember this baby. I will continue to talk about this baby forever. Even when it’s hard and awkward because he or she was my baby and will always be my baby. Though this precious life was much shorter than we wanted, I know that this baby’s life will go on to make an impact for the Kingdom for all of eternity. That is my prayer.
We are no longer a family of three. We are a family of four. One of us is just already fully and completely in the presence of Jesus. Oh that brings joy to my weary weary heart but the ache of wanting my baby we’ll never leave. And I never want it to leave because that’s my baby and always will be.
Words could never describe just how unbelievably thankful I am that Lord allowed me to have been this baby’s momma for the 6.5 weeks that I got to be. I felt connected to this baby. I had already gotten baby sum 2.0 (which is what we’ve called this angel since we found out we were pregnant on our 11th dating anniversary…. cheesy yeah but whatever it meant so much to me and Tay) a prayer bible for us to give to him or her one day full of prayers for him or her. But I will still write in his or her prayer bible that we got our sweet baby. I will continues to pray that this precious life continues to just flood Jesus with anyone who hears of his or her life.
My sister sent me these quotes and they bring me great comfort. I pray they do you as well if you’ve walked this road before.
“We sometimes feel that a life which was so brief was in vain, and that God has mocked us by giving us the little one and then by taking it away immediately. The child had no opportunity to perform a work, nor was there any time given to develop character. Let us remember, first of all, that the little one had an eternal spirit, and that it has gone into the presence of God where there will be an eternity to perform works and develop character. . . A brief life is not an incomplete life.” – J. Vernon McGee
“Should it not thrill any mother to know that the darling treasure taken from her bosom as a tiny infant will be seen again, not as an unopened bud, but as a full-bloomed rose in the garden of paradise? What a reunion that will be!” -J. Sidlow Baxter
“I remember the story of a distraught father who was deeply grieved by the death of his son. He went to see his pastor, and in his bewildered anger he asked, “Where was God when my son died?” The pastor replied with a calm spirit, “The same place He was when His Son died.”
So many emotions have and I know will continue to flood my heart. Hurt, confusion, anger, unreal sadness, but thankfulness and joy are still there. They’re anchored in my hope that I know my baby is with Jesus and I know I will cuddle and kiss and love all over my baby one day. But until then I’ll live to make much of our Savior. I will honor my baby with special items to remember him or her.
I am so incredibly thankful for legit an army of people who have showered us with so much love today. Losing your baby is way way way more common than we will ever even be able to know statistically. As I’ve reached out for prayer from dear friends in my life, most of them have experienced this. Though it doesn’t make the pain of losing your child any lighter because nothing can it is good to know you’re not alone. There are many who have walked this road before and have incredible advice and love. One told me it’s a sisterhood you never want to join. So true. But here I am. Never thought it would happen to those I love. Really never thought it happened to me. But I’m thankful to be this baby’s momma. I’m thankful for his or her life.
Oh my gracious. Words they’re just not enough to explain how unbelievably amazing my husband is. It all just hurts so much, but to see just how much he loved this baby too….. oh my goodness… he was and still is the best daddy to this baby. Oh what a gift he is. Such a gift. I am so undeserved of his deep love and patience. He had been waiting on me hand and foot while I had been exhausted these past view weeks. He had already been doting over this baby like he always does to me and El girl.
The lies from the devil I will fight with truth because there is nothing I did that could of prevented this from happening. Though I have questioned every single moment of this pregnancy, I know that this baby is the Lords. This baby was the Lords before he or she was mine and Taylor’s. God’s plans aren’t always ours. We cannot see all that is going on. I’m keeping my eyes on Him. Trusting He will use this precious, precious life to further His Kingdom and for His glory. And you better believe I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that happens! But the true work is up to Him. His ways are not always our ways. They’re higher than my ways. Though I don’t understand. Though I hurt, I will praise Him still. My cousin sent me this song because it’s been her battle cry and it’s mine now too. Please feel free to make it yours as well.
Yes I will by Vertical Worship…
I count on one thing. The same God that never fails. Will not fail me now. You won’t fail me now.
In the waiting. The same God who’s never late is working all things out. You’re working all things out
Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley. Yes I will, bless Your name. Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy. All my days, oh yes I will.
These verses my momma sent have helped my heart. My greatest prayer is that this encourages or helps just one person who is fighting this unspoken battle that so many are walking.
fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:1, 2, 5-8
Haven’t listened to it yet but a trusted friend who has been through this three times told me it’s a must listen to.
It doesn’t matter how far along you were or how old your baby is, a loss of a child is a loss. Respect that. There is no right thing to say. Just pray. Please pray for us. It just sucks so much. Pray for people who have gone through. Show them extra amounts of love with small gestures. Our small army has felt like this biggest army overwhelming us with so much love. Definitely feeling His love through my peoples. Thank you to all of you.
Focusing my attention and my heart more than ever on Jesus. He is my strength. Trusting Him. Clinging to Him. Telling him exactly how I feel. He can handle the pain. Put your hurt on him. He understands. As hard as it is to believe that someone could love your baby more than you, He really does.